November 12, 2010


Yes, i am admitting something to that i didn't want to. i will not say that "L" word, not yet, not willing to admit that much but i will admit this:

i am Your submissive, i am Yours, mind, body and soul.

You are my Master, i have given You all of me.


Thinking about how time is flying with Him, it makes me wonder why i haven't been happy all this time. i sit and think about Him, His smile, His heart, His mind, the way He makes me smile, and the way i want to spend every minute looking into His eyes.

i do worry tho, that He is going to find out something about me and run. my life isn't what Y/you would call simple. Yes, i live with my ex, who is my roomie. His girlfriend lives here and soon so will her daughter. Plus my 3 kids live here. That in itself is freaking crazy.

Yet, as i sit here writing this, He knows all of this. He knows of my medical problems, He knows about my life and my family. He knows pretty much everything, except one thing, my past. One thing i am afraid of sharing with Him. It has run off a lot of people. i do not want to lose Him, He treats me better than anyone ever has. i love talking with Him and i love the way He makes me smile and blush.

i love the way He says "yay" and smiles at me. i love drowning in His eyes while He talks to me. i love how hyper He gets drinking His coffee. i love touching Him and feeling like a spark of electricity has been sent through me. i love holding His hand for hours and knowing He's not going to let go and He'll protect me no matter what.

Knowing He has chosen to keep me, even though He didn't have to. Knowing that through everything, the stupid stalkers, the predator talks, i still met Him. i still spent 6 hours in a coffee shop talking to Him and never was there a dull moment. There aren't dull silences with U/us. W/we have a million things W/we can talk about and love talking about.

i wait excitedly each and every day to see messages from Him and see Him online. His smile makes me melt every time i catch a glimpse of it. He knows He's pulling me along by my heart, even tho that nasty "L" word haunts me every day. i am scared of it, but i crave it. It only scares me because people throw it around too much. It's not a word i like to hear quickly because i'm afraid of it not being real.

my heart and my mind have been hurt many times. i cannot take being hurt again. i know this time it may happen. Things are still very new, but this man treats me so much differently. When He looks at me, i feel like i am the center of His world. Like i am the apple of His eye. Exactly what i've wanted for a long time. Someone who sees me and sees deep within my soul. i want to hold Him and never let go. i want to just touch Him and feel His hands on my skin.

No, W/we haven't been intimate yet. i crave that time to feel His hands on my bare flesh. i crave to be able to scene with Him. i want to feel the pain that only He can give me. i want to feel His hands connect with my skin. i want to feel His arms surround me afterward, holding me making me feel His "love" bring me back out of subspace and ground me again.

Dark Nirvana is O/our coming out party i guess Y/you could say. i cannot wait for this time as W/we have special plans. i hope that all goes well and no O/one causes any major problems for U/us. Especially stalker...
How do i explain how i feel, it's so much here and there. i don't know if i should feel this way, or if i should be hiding how i feel to myself. Why can't i just block some of my feelings so it wouldn't be happening so fast, but i can't stop from feeling this way. i am falling for Him hard and fast and there is nothing i can do about it at this rate.

Sir, when You read this i hope You get a clearer picture of what is in my mind. i hope maybe You can give me a glimpse of what is going through Your mind.

Comments from others are appreciated too.

Vanilla is ok

     Ok, some people think that everyone needs to live out the lifestyle 24/7. Well, me i can't. Don't get me wrong, some part of me would love to be able to, but alas, i have 3 children and cannot live it out physically 24/7. So, when there is time, and W/we want to scene W/we do. Does not mean that every part of O/our relationship isn't based soully on the underlying D/s relationship and W/we don't live the mental aspect of it. Of course, i am His submissive, and He is my Master.

     Even on that, W/we love to go out and do all the vanilla dating things. W/we love to enjoy books, movies, talking, watching tv, kissing, and mostly holding hands. i love these things with Him. They all make me feel important and that He needs me in His life. Just in everything i do, it always goes back to what i know He would think and what He would want.

     You know what, yes, He has done these things with me a lot earlier than you. Sorry it took Him 2 weeks to kiss you, and me the first date. Oh well. He does things with me faster than her, and He wants me more than her, or so i hope.

sighs...anyways, the vanilla life that W/we lead when O/others are looking is perfectly fine with me.